Sunday, 22 August 2010

Nice Day for a Wheat Wedding: A Survival Guide to Weddings

Weddings are a veritable minefield for wheat dodgers.

First off, should you blokes have the privilege of being a groomsman, you're expected to tuck into bacon sarnies before heading for a pint in the pub with the groom to calm his nerves. In my experience, most blokes wouldn't want to make a fuss, particularly on your mate's big day. You'd probably eat the sarnie, down the pint and wait for the rath of the gluten to take it's revenge wouldn't you?

What would Wheat Surrender do?

Get in there first and suggest a fry up of eggs, bacon, beans, tomato and mushrooms and a round of single malt whiskys in the pub. Don't forget, you need to dodge:

  • Sausages (unless they're Gluten free ones such as The Black Farmer or Debbie and Andrew's)
  • Hash browns
  • Toast, muffins and Fried bread (obvs)
  • Potato cakes
So far so good. Masculinity in tact and no sign of our grainy nemesis.

Then, there's the canapes after the ceremony. I go to lots of events that involve canapes and it's rare that there are any I can eat, so I automatically say 'no thanks'.

Are you in a hotel with a bar? It's not ideal but buy yourself a bag of crisps or peanuts and discreetly scoff whilst sipping your celebratory champers. You don't want to be drunker than everyone else so it's a good idea to snack when they do.

Hopefully, you've told the bride and groom your dietary requirements before the wedding. Not everyone is comfortable being served something different to everyone else so maybe (blokes) you didn't say anything. If you must put yourself through this, you should probably go back to the bar and stock up on nuts. You have no idea what's in the food unless it meat and two veg.

What if it's a buffet? I went to a wedding yesterday that had a buffet. I didn't get asked if I had dietary requirements and as the happy couple were on a budget and had their food donated, I didn't really want to say anything.

What did Wheat Surrender do?

I brought snacks. Yes. I carted an over-sized bag around to house my variety of goodies. As guests were given a samosa after the ceremony, I had a mini snickers bar. Ha, take that pastry!

I was relatively lucky as the buffet included curry and rice. I looked really greedy as I legged it to the head of the queue but really, I had to make sure I got something to eat before my options ran out.

Then there was the desserts table. A long line of sticky gooey forbidden yumminess. I don't know why, but I had to have a look. Maybe there was jelly and custard? Yes there was, but it was aloft a very yummy looking trifle. I passed banoffie pie, chocolate fudge cake, cheesecake, profiteroles and then, unbelievably, there was a little hand-written sign that read
"Gluten, wheat and dairy free"
What did Wheat Surrender do?

I'd had a *couple of glasses of wine by this point. I screamed 'Oh my God it's wheat free cake ahhhh...' followed by some incomprehensible garble of excitement whilst jumping up and down. I got a bit of attention from a nearby coeliac who had somehow managed to keep their cool on discovering the cake. 'It's nice to have someone around who understands' she said. It was.

Then came the wedding cake. It looked so beautiful. Too nice to eat. And yet so edible. I got a sugar flower from the top of one of the cupcakes. Ah well, a moment on the lips and all that. It just meant I could have more wine. And I did.

So, here are the main points for wheat wedding survival:


If you're at the bride or groom's house pre-wedding, offer to organise breakfast or at least suggest what to have.

Post ceremony drinks

Canapes shmanapes. We don't need 'em. Sneak off to the bar and get some Big Ds down yer neck.

Wedding Breakfast

If you haven't told them about your dietary requirements, or worse, they haven't asked you, then you better pray for melon and parma ham, or make like Wheat Surrender and bring snacks.

Wedding Cake

It's not as exciting as it looks. Move on. Eat a bit of icing if you're really bothered.

Back to the hotel

If you've had a rough day on the food front, order a bit of room service.

My only other advice is, if you're doing a speech, please, for the love of God, keep it short.


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